Friday, February 14, 2020

BIG Y'EYEMAH's Friday Night Creature Feature: Saint Valentine's Day 2020 Love Songs Edition


Since it is St. Valentine's Day and Friday Night

… I think it only meet and proper that return to my long-missing-in-action …

… BIG Y'EYEMAH's Friday Night Creature Feature …

… and feature some love songs to my betrothed.

Now, alas, I'm not going to post the songs and parody adaptations to them in their entirety … That would simply take too long. Instead, I offer only some excerpts, typically the choruses. You'll just have to make do (make due?) …

First up, a ditty set to the tune of "He's So Shy" by everyone's long-time favorite vocal R&B family trio of The Pointer Sisters:

She's so wide (so huge weighin')
He's so shy (so good lookin')

She's so wide (inclines get her rollin')
He's so shy (really got me goin')

That Holstein cow stuck on a bus ride
That sweet little boy who caught my eye

She's so wide (more massive than any million)
He's so shy (one in a million),

She's so wide (got the joint collapsin')
He's so shy (really got me spinnin')

She tips the scales close to 6-0-5
And he's much too good to let get by

Yow, yow, yow she sure does
Oh oh oh yes he is

********

For our second song, we'll speed up the tempo and intensity just a tad. This is to the tune of "The Real Slim Shady" by Marshall "Eminem" Mathers:

She's Big Y'eyemah, the real Yo'yeh'mah
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady

All you other Mye'mahs, can't nobody climb ya's …
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating

So won't the Big Y'eyemah please go moo
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up

Please go moo, please go moo?
Please stand up, please stand up?

********

For our third ditty to BIG Y'EYEMAH, we'll get some old school rock going. This one is to the tune of "Old Time Rock and Roll" by Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band:

Just drop a vat of cheap meat on her plate
Just take those old records off the shelf

She'll growl 'n' grunt while feastin' til eight
I'll sit and listen to 'em by m'self

Her weight gain won't be controlled
Today's music ain't got the same soul

She's got that big time fatso roll!
I like that old time rock and roll!

Don't try to put her in a peep show
Don't try to take me to a Disco

You'll never even get her half way undressed
You'll never even get me out on the floor

In 10 minutes pervs will lose all their shit
In 10 minutes I'll be late for the door

She's got that big time fatso roll!
I like that old time rock and roll!

Such a big frickin' fatso roll
Still like that old time rock and roll

That kinda tonnage just oozes and flows
The kinda music just soothes the soul

Flatulence like that can blow out a hole
I reminisce about the days of old

With that big time fatso roll!
With that old time rock and roll!

Just so you know, I've always hated the underlying song "Old Time Rock and Roll." It's Baby Boomer generation self-righteous dreck, and I completely disagree with the song's idiotic premise.

*******

And lastly, we'll around out this St. Valentine's Day musical tribute to the BIG Y'EYEMAH's obesity, passivity, failure, and self-righteousness with another Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band song that I've always hated precisely for its Baby Boomer "Heartland Rock" sensibilities, namely, "Against the Wind" :

The weight came on slow at first
The years rolled slowly past

Still, she found herself obese
And I found myself alone

Eatin' crap food and not movin' everyday
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

She found herself fatter and fatter in that dump each day,
I found myself further and further from my home, and I

Guess she loves to fail
Guess I lost my way

There was so-much-failure
There were oh-so-many roads

She was living to fail and failing to live
I was living to run and running to live

Lookin' forward to stayin' forever in that trailer
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed

Just freaks and losers as short-term friends
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time

Breaking so much wind at the end
Breaking all of the rules that would bend

Waitin' for mom and dad's OK
I began to find myself searching

She did nothing except fail and get obese
Searching for shelter again and again

While breaking so much wind
Against the wind

Alone every night lettin' lose with wind
A little something against the wind

She found herself in a trailer park with a loser
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Breakin' so much wind
Against the wind

Eatin' corn dogs with kraut makes wind
We were runnin' against the wind

Clears out any room she's in when she starts breakin' all that wind.
We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind

Happy Valentine's Day!

--Regulus

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