Today is Saint Valentines Day.
As close readers of this blog know, BIG Y'EYEMAH is my betrothed and Wall-P's money keeps her in cheeseburgers, cheesecakes, and deep fat fried fritters while living in our Cruz-Rubio Corporate Fascist Oligarchical Dystopia.
Here was a phone call we had earlier today:
Me: Oh, Wall-P, I need to ask you a favor-
Wall-P: Dude, I'm not lending you anymore money.
Me: Oh, Wall-P, you have to! You see, BIG Y'EYEMAH needs her nourishment and I don't have any money since I haven't been working --
Wall-P: I've already lent you $200 Freedom Dollars this week. Her eating is out of control -
Me: Oh, Wall-P, how can you deny BIG Y'EYEMAH the food she needs to stay healthy??
Wall-P: Healthy? Dude, she weighs about 1,200 pounds and is in wheelchair.
Me: Oh, Wall-P, that's just GLANDS.
Wall-P: I'm sorry, no more money. End of story.
BIG Y'EYEMAH: WAAAAHHH!!! I'M HUNGRY!
Me: There, there, BIG Y'EYEMAH, just chew your cud for a bit until I sort this out. Now see hear, Wall-P, you know what happens if BIG Y'EYEMAH doesn't get her proper food intake, and I can't be responsible for what she might do.
Wall-P: Dude, is that a threat??
Me: ALLS I'm sayin' is that BIG Y'EYEMAH is starting to get agitated.
BIG Y'EYEMAH: WAAAAHH!! I NEED FOOD! WAAAHHH!
(Crash, bang, boom ...)
Me: Uh, oh, Wall-P, she's out of her wheelchair and is rolling across our splinter-filled shag carpet ... Now she's heading toward the trailer door! NO, PLEASE, STOP BIG Y'EYEMAH!! DON'T DO THAT-!
Wall-P: Dude, what's happening??
Me: Uh, oh, Wall-P, BIG Y'EYEMAH just flattened the next door trailer and THAT ONE is a DOUBLE WIDE! The outdoor gas tank just blew! The trailer park is on fire! NOW BIG Y'EYEMAH is heading in the direction of the interstate! OH, NO! The first thing in her way is BUBBA's STRIP MALL AND EMPORIUM with its McDonalds, Taco Bell/KFC, and Waffle House combo! Ohhh, I hope they can evacuate those places in time! QUICK! CALL 911! Oh, this is the greatest tragedy in the history of the world!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! I (heart) you, too!