Meet Senator Thom Tillis: The Man from S.H.I.T.!
This story just has to be noted and remarked upon:
"Rising star" North Carolina Republican Senator Thom Tillis said on Monday that regulations requiring workers to wash their hands after using the toilet in order to "reduce the regulatory burden" that allegedly is suffocating American businesses and their customers.
So we finally have something that today's kooky libertarian, science-denying, math-deny, corporate billionaire-and-coal industry coddling Republican Party is "PRO": SHIT.
As in actual human waste. Poop. Excreta.
The GOP "think tank" of ideas.
Yes, Gentle Reader, with this we have reached the final apotheosis, or perhaps I should say mentally cracked nadir, of today's lunatic GOP: It is "objectively" PRO-SHIT.
Because this IS today's GOP and there is such a fanatical "inverted Marxist" libertarian bent, this PRO-SHIT stances is all about making sure the "makers" can spread THEIR SHIT all around in a way that recognizes their Galtian superhuman prowess and powers. All moochers and other takers will quickly and deservedly die as the makers keep their SHIT to themselves.
This means that Mitch "The Bitch" McConnell will work with John "Big Orange" Boehner to get "the Republican conference" to take a "maximalist" PRO-SHIT stance for use in the next 56 House votes to repeal Obamacare.
Pay no attention to this chart. It's NOT full of GOP shit.
It also means that shadowy "DARK MONEY" billionaires from the extractive industries and financial sector will SPREAD THEIR SHIT around freely in a "Citizens United In SHIT" way.
Above all else, this means its right and proper to put SHIT in the food supply AND the drinking water. Justice Scalia will have no problem with that because the Constitution does note EXPRESSLY forbid putting SHIT in either of these and we can never "know" what the Founding Fathers intended through that "dead, dead, dead" document.
Republican SHIT triumphs!
As Teddy himself might have said, "HUZZAH!"
Now I am expecting Fred Hiatt's WaHoPo Editorial Board and the larger "Washington Consensus" crowd to invoke their "views differ on shape of Planet Earth" perfectly objective and "find the bipartisan nuance" professional centrist worldview in order to "find common middle ground with the Tillis toilet position." Ruth "Mother" Marcus in particular will lead this charge to find the exact political midway point between PRO-SHIT and ANTI-SHIT.
In short, all the Beltway pundit professional centrists will urge "members of Congress from both sides of the aisle" to "work together" to find ways of "putting American SHIT first," while Michael Barone sees another "GOP ELECTION SHIT WAVE" building for 2016.
Meanwhile, Sebastian Mallaby will double down on his calls for "Free Trade" agreements with brutally mercantilist China and other countries to include provisions to allow SHIT to flow freely across international borders. After all, didn't Thomas Friedman say the world is HOT, FLAT, and CROWDED, so what better remedy than LATHERING ON THE SHIT?
And think of the possibilities for Benji Wittes, especially as it relates to Gitmo and the "rectal feeding" that goes on there. He is in love with his "model facility" down there. Adding in some extra shit could only improve it even more.
Turning to the certifiably crazy side, The Wall $treet Journal Editorial Board will pen some fanatical and factually all wrong screed talking about how FREE MARKET SHIT under Ronald Reagan resulted in the collapse of the Soviet Union and the British victory over Argentina in the Falklands War.
James K. Glassman will be trotted out to explain how only when SHIT flows freely can the Dow reach 36,000. Everyone will nod vigorously on the CNBC "market round table" discussion.
The "Tea Party Caucus" will scream and howl and yowl about how freedom has never existed without SHIT EVERYWHERE and only present-day "Democrat federal tyrannie [sic]" is keeping SHIT from flowing the way Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Lincoln all knew it should.
And FOX NEWS ALERTS read by blond fembot mannequins will tout stories of how FREEDOM LOVING PATRIOTS that own SMALL BUSINESSES in assorted Red States have taken it upon themselves to go a step further with "DO NOT WASHING HANDS AFTER TOILET USE" policy.
Mississippi and Alabama voters will instantly pass constitutional amendments outlawing all health regulations. Texas pols will convene a special session of the state legislature to consider "HR 1" that does the same thing. It'll pass by supermajorities in both chambers.
South Carolina Republican voters listen intently to hear how their representatives will free them from "that Muslim Kenyan Socialist Atheist" (huh?) to support "STATE'S SHIT RIGHTS" the way Jesus intended.
Seriously, though, I was hoping Jonathan Chait would post a blog entry on this story but he has not. He has been focused on the current GOP circus sideshow involving whether or not children should be vaccinated against various diseases. As Paul Waldman of Plum Line blog pointed out, that sideshow has actually shown the limits of mainstream Republican libertarianism -- as in, when GOP'sters are in favor of a rigid libertarian and when they know better. (In fairness, it should also be noted that anti-vaccination notions bubble up on the loopy "Marin County" left, so the issue doesn't fit neatly into the media's tiresome binary red/blue divide.)
Anyway, let's all give a BIG HURRAY to the GOP for showing us what it truly is about: SHIT. Not to mention bat-shit crazy.