Friday, June 30, 2017

BIG Y'EYEMAH's Friday Night Creature Feature for June 30th, 2017: A Special Sauce + Herbs & Spices -OR- Fast Food Dinner Theatre Edition


Scene: BIG Y'EYEMAH (a.k.a., The BIG YO'MYE'MAH), Loseturd Q. McNebbish, and eight feral cats and a mangy dog in a ramshackle trailer at the edge of Pleasant Vista and Aroma Trailer Homes on the east side of Trumpkin Village, itself on the south side of New GOPerusalem City.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Hurry, BIG Y'EYEMAH, or we won't catch the Circu-LOSER-alator bus and make it to McDonald's.

BIG Y'EYEMAH (breaking wind while eating from a vat of corned cheese): Oh, bother. I'm coming. I was waiting for the bread in my bread-maker to rise to the top. Mom says that's when it's reached doneness and you can say Grace.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Oh, BIG Y'EYEMAH, is it for our church's bait-and-switch Bread-for-the-Poor tax dodge campaign?

BIG Y'EYEMAH (giggling): Yes. Coo. Coo.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Oh, yea verily, BIG Y'EYEMAH, you do do so much charitable work.


Hour later at the bus stop next to Crackston Towers at the corner of Cabrini and Green Ways. Sound of gunshots, screams, breaking glass, and lots of yelling and profanity coming from inside the walled-off compound.

BIG Y'EYEMAH: Sounds like a lot of love in there. Truly, Jesus saves!


Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Oh, BIG Y'EYEMAH, you see ONLY the good. That's why THE LORD(TM) sent you to me.

Two hours, a near mugging, and 47 screaming schizophrenic people later, the bus pulls up followed by another one. The first keeps going while the second one reluctantly stops. 


SHHHHHWOOOSH! BEEP - BEEP - BEEP. Down comes the bus on its pneumatic kneeling device so that BIG Y'EYEMAH can get on the bus in her wheelchair.

SQUAWK! SQUAWK! from the fare reader owing to no money on either card.

BIG Y'EYEMAH: Oh, dear, we need to add value to our fare cards.


Loseturd Q. McNebbish: But I only have a 20 Trump bill, BIG Y'EYEMAH! and I am saving my debit card to use for dinner!

Bus Driver: Put dat cash on yo' card o' git yo triflin' fat asses off dis bus!!

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Say, BIG Y'EYEMAH, maybe we should just forget about this and go back home. We have some corned cheese and spam and some crackers.


BIG Y'EYEMAH: WAAHH! I WANT MY BURGERS AND FRIES! I'M HUNGRY! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: There, there, BIG Y'EYEMAH. I'll put the money on the card. Anything for you and our Little Annabelle Mae. Say, where is she? I haven't seen her since Thursday.

Two hours later at the McDonald's in front of the cashier and underneath the garish fluorescent lights.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: And we'd like to order four Big McYoMyeMah Macs, five saddlebags of Freedom fries, four vanilla and two chocolate shakes, and three extra large soft drinks. Now do the burgers have the SPECIAL SAUCE plus HERBS AND SPICES??

Cashier mumbles inaudibly.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: But does it have the SPECIAL SAUCE plus HERBS AND SPICES?? I saw that on the TV commercial.

Cashier: Bitch, I don't know or care! Just pay the 120 dollars.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: Wait -- 120 Trump dollars?? BIG Y'EYEMAH, I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY ON ME!! My debit card only has 100!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: WAAAAHHHH!!!

A whirling sound as a set of floating drone cameras appears around BIG Y'EYEMAH and Loseturd Q. McNebbish.

Loseturd Q. McNebbish: What's happening, BIG Y'EYEMAH?!? There are cameras and a JANITOR ROBOT!

In a flash, the automated restaurant janitor robot appears behind BIG Y'EYEMAH and Loserturd Q. McNebbish and - in a flash - cuts off their clothes. BIG Y'EYEMAH's top plops off -- rolls of fat fanning outward -- and Loserturd Q. McNebbish's pants fall down revealing a big bowling ball of a belly and a jiggling ass. Privates of both are concealed by fat.

The scene is projected not only on the massive outdoor wall-screen but on millions of flat screen televisions coast-to-coast  in the Trumped Up States of Amerca.

"There's your SPECIAL SAUCE plus HERBS AND SPICES!" says the disembodied voice that is 3,000 miles away in Hollywood on this episode of Candidly Loser Camera. Sound of uproarious laughter.

Loserturd Q. McNebbish faints away.

BIG Y'EYEMAH: Could I just get three Big McYoMyeMah Macs and one coke instead, please? Here's Loserturd's debit card.

More audience laughter.

The End.

--Regulus

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