Friday, March 10, 2017

BIG Y'EYEMAH's Friday Night Creature Feature for March 10th, 2017: The Inheritance



Scene: BIG Y'EYEMAH, Little Annabelle Mae, yours truly, and eight feral cats and a mangy dog in a ramshackle trailer at the edge of Pleasant Vista and Aroma Trailer Homes on the east side of Trumpkin Village, itself on the south side of New Jerusalem City.


BIG Y'EYEMAH from her wheelchair: Coo. Coo. It looks like a lovely evening. Oh, bother. I forgot my bag of chocolate-flavored Doritos on the fold-up table in the backroom.

Me: Oh, fret none, BIG Y'EYEMAH, I shall fetch your chocolate-flavored Doritos. Nothing is too much trouble for my BELOVED wife. Or for my precious daughter, Annabelle Mae.


Annabelle Mae: FOOD! I WANT FOOD!!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: There, there, Annabelle Mae. Dinner will be ready in a jif ... As soon as daddy has made it and I do wish he'd hurry up! We're having meatloaf flavored mac 'n' cheese with meatloaf-flavored meatloaf. It's a new, yummy good food syntha-mix from China!


Me [returning to the room]: Yay! Affordable food from China! Free trade is freer than ever!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: I know. Hee hee. It's all such a blessing from the Lord. We must remember that when we have our Bible study after dinner.

Annabelle Mae: WAAAAHH!! I'M HUNGRY!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: I know, dearest. Now stop playing with those matches and put on your new dress. Oh, love, you're tenting out so nicely.


Me: Now tomorrow night, we're all going to Putnam's Hog Head Place for a really nice dinner to celebrate our good fortune -- your uncle leaving us $20,000 Trump dollars and a cot-and-dinette set. It's been such a long time and with that money, we can at least get a used car and no more buses. Heck, I might even order a glass of wine. I saw online they have Sam Walton's Brand Red and White on the menu!


BIG Y'EYEMAH: Oh, bother. I meant to tell you. It's just not right to take that money. So I did the Christian thing and donated it to a Go-Fund-Me campaign for distressed God's Yakety-Yak Squad on the Take.

Me: YOU DID WHAAAAAT??

Little Annabelle Mae: Ha ha ha!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: It's alright. Coo. Coo. Coo.


Me: IT'S NOT ALRIGHT!! HOW COULD YOU?!? YOU KNOW WE NEEDED THAT MONEY! WE'VE BEEN SUFFERING HERE WITH NOTHING FOR YEARS!!!

BIG Y'EYEMAH [breaking wind softly but continuously]: Oh, bother. You're getting a bit testy. Coo. Coo. God will provide! Just get a third job. I'll stay home and watch TV. Coo. Coo. Coo.

Me: STOP COOING AT ME! YOU'RE HAPPY TO LIVE LIKE THIS!! YOU WANT ME DEAD!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: WAAAH! YOU'RE BEING MEAN! I GAVE THAT MONEY AWAY SO THAT WE CAN STAY CLOSE TO GOD!! I TOLD YOU, GOD WILL PROVIDE! MOM AND DAD AGREE! They'll tell you when they come back from their current vacation!


Me: I'VE BEEN A PRISONER FOR YEARS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! I'M LEAVING!

BIG Y'EYEMAH: BOO HOO! YOU'RE FORGETTING GOD'S HOLY COMMANDMENTS FROM SACRED SCRIPTURE! 'YE THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE SHALL CARE FOR THINE FAMILY! YEA, VERILY!"


Me: SCREW THE SCRIPTURES! AND SCREW YOU! YOU WANT ME TO FAIL ANYWAY! I'M RUNNING ACROSS THAT INTERSTATE AND TO A NEW LIFE!! AAIIGGHHH!!!!

[Trailer door slams. Sound of tires squealing, horn honking, scream, and a thud.]

Muffled voices: Who'd ya hit? - Just some parasite from that trailer park. - The Law says no need to stop if you hit a designated "taker" and you're a designated "Ayn Rand-class maker." That's me! [Cars drives off.]

BIG Y'EYEMAH: Oh, no! He's been struck! I think he's dead! WAAAHH!!

Little Annabelle Mae: YAY!


BIG Y'EYEMAH: Oh, Little Annabelle Mae, who will keep us in McBurgerQueen cheeseburgers and Kraft Cheez Whiz now?? I feel faint! I need a ham hock and cabbage sandwich with a side satchel of Freedom Fries!

--Regulus

No comments: