Thursday, June 19, 2008

Blog-Does-Battle -OR- A Hubble Co-Moving Entry

**UPDATED 6/20/2008 with e-mail from my mom**

The Georgetown Branch Trail as it runs under Wisconsin Ave. in Bethesda, Md., June 18, 2008, during a summer evening thunderstorm. This is near where the the Georgetown Branch Trail becomes the Capital Crescent Trail.

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To the 2 regular readers I have, I just want you to know that while I love and appreciate you, I despise this blog and wish I had never started any blog, new or old.

I should and may delete both IMMEDIATELY.

And as far as that lovely White Devil goes, he can go to hell for all I care and I'll never mention that topic again ever, ever, ever. He no longer exists in my observable Universe having inflated forever beyond the co-moving radius of this my Hubble volume forever thanks to gay dark energy.

I do want to say that I am SO happy that in one particular Universe, EVERYTHING from the smallest quantum foam fluctuations to the largest scale cosmological structure, not to mention the Arrow of Time itself, rearranges itself for that one's maximum benefit. Even GOD - DOES - BATTLE THREE-IN-ONE ON HIGH Himself is amazed.

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Please discount the following ...it was written while upset last night. See accompanying e-mail.-- Regulus

Oh, yes, a certain person who is allegedly my mother has suddenly gone completely silent with no contact. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I have tried to just end all contact and tried so hard to remember it ONLY as it was back in the lost 1970s or troubled 1980s as a silly, over-earnest teenager, except it never quite worked that way, and instead, the thing just repeats over and over.

I tried so hard, but I keep falling for the idea that somehow ... someway ... someday ... I will actually have a mother who gives one jot about me, and I keep thinking I've fixed the problem, only to have it detonate on me.

It's better, although far, far more insane, with my father. I worry about him a lot.

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UPDATED (2:55PM EDT 20 June 2008): E-mail received from my mother at 9AM this morning:

Hi [Regulus],

Everything is okay. I’m either at work or home. I leave my cell phone on except at night I turn it off. I think we were suppose to meet this weekend; let’s make it next weekend. We came up on the Ft. Meade Storage List and will be moving our travel trailer to Ft. Meade tomorrow.

Hope everything is okay with you and your job. See you soon.

Love,
Mom

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As for my mother, I wonder why I have this recurring dream involving her ... her husband (my stepfather) Ray ... in the forest in a place similar to where my dad used to live in the woods (long after he and my mom divorced) in Upper Freehold Township, N.J., in a log cabin from Dec. 1980 - Jan. 1993 (he had a variety of addresses over the year in that location as the Post Office decided what to call it, but I believe it is 25 Stone Hill Road today), except in my dreams, part of the forest is gone and it is the far future (a thousand years or so) and I'm looking in one direction toward NYC, except the skyline is miles high, and the Atlantic Ocean is so vast and all-encompassing ... and in the other direction is some hybrid of Washington, D.C., and Baltimore, Md., and the ocean is nearby.

In one one variation of that dream, involving her, there is always deep snow on the ground, but it is warm and sunny and the snow is melting like crazy. Sometimes, she is driving a big SUV of some sort.

Here is the house -- taken on a quick car-trip through N.J. last August with Gary, Gerry, and Ron -- that my dad had built in 1980 and that he moved into in Dec. 1980 and lived until Jan. 1993, when he moved to Florida, thus starting the current, chaotic phase of his life. Of course, the screaming, shrieking fights and chaos that happened there over the years.

It used to be so creepy out there at night. I would hide in his small back bedroom with the thick curtains tightly drawn, lights on, TV and electric fan turned on. He would be out at his karate lessons or on some date or at the Clarksburg Inn (in later years). It was nice sometimes on cold, starry winter nights or green-cloaked summer days. This was esp. true from 1982 - 1984 when I would visit him.

Regulus, Elm Street Park, Bethesda, Md., June 18, 2008. I was thinking of that song by Chicago, "Saturday In the Park:"

"Saturday / In the park / I think it was the fourth of July ..."

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My job is stressful and involves too many deadlines that I invariably miss. It is very stressful and I am terribly and severely torn as to whether to take out that big chunk of student loan money for a final, unnecessary year of school and TRY to work part time -- the wild card is whether my job will let me do that now that it is full time. Otherwise, I am giving up about $13,000 in refund money for the academic year and committing myself to something I am so unsure about and that I feel could end abruptly at any time. But even broaching the subject of going back part time may cause me to lose the job and then I'd be back to square zero.

Elm Street Park, Bethesda, Md., June 17, 2008, lunchtime.

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By the way, I am go to Baltimore on Saturday with my friend Steve ... ANYTHING to be away from D.C. temporarily ...

OK, that's all for now.

Yesterday, my friend LP and I went to the Moon Gate Chinese restaurant at the corner of Willow Lane and 47th Street in Bethesda not far from where I work. We had a nice dinner there.

My plush baby hippo, Flippo, 'n' me.

I'm tired and going to bed now. Good night, Gentle Reader. Allow me please that I should just end this frickin' day already and get some sleep now. Sigh.

--Regulus

6 comments:

krzysztof said...

Wow, that dream you describe... so incredible. Is it an unpleasant dream? It doesn't sound unpleasant, sounds great actually. But one never knows with dreams, does one?

handmaiden said...

Well, if you quit blogging where would you do your bitching? We at least are willing to put up with it.

It is comforting to know that so little is known about the universe (re: to dark matter & dark energy)it means humans still have a few exciting discoveries ahead.

Sorry I nodded out during commenting. Listen don't get too discouraged you are still fairly young. life can take some unexpected turns sometimes & sometimes they are for the better.

Bryan said...

Two regular readers? I think your counter might be malfunctioning. You have at least three...

Unless you didn't count a certain obsessive, disfunctional drunken idiot (me) who was rather insulting and rude to you recently... even tho he didn't mean to be when he started typing.

Don't go away. You take great pictures, give great commentary on them. I'd rather read about weather, planets, politics and life in general on your blogs than on someone else's, where they have no clue what they are talking about!!!

fifi said...

ahem. I think this makes four.
you are way better off than you thought.

I was trying to make sense of this post.... so much angst.

Don't go away!

Regulus said...

Fifi -- Please don't try to make sense of this entry. I apologize for the tone and content of it.

Thank you, Handmaiden and Bryan, for your comments. I do appreciate them. You guys are good to me.

Kristof -- Nice walk. See next entry.

Bryan said...

There's a very simple reason why we're nice to you.

You're a good person.